Improving Couples Communication - DIY Series
By Tim Weissman, Ph.D.
In the world of couples counseling, we frequently talk about improving communication in the relationship. Certainly, this is important, and should be a goal of couple’s work. But we need to keep in mind that improving communication is only a beginning. It is not a cure-all for struggles in a relationship. It offers up the opportunity for positive change. Improved communication can lead to increased intimacy and fulfillment if the couple is willing to risk communicating about their inner world to their partner.
What is good communication?
When I work with couples, I frame relationship communication in very basic terms. There is a sender (one of the partners) who transfers a signal (statement or message) to a receiver (the other partner). The receiver gets the signal and sends back confirmation of reception. The sender then validates that the confirmation is accurate, and communication can proceed. This likely sounds a little confusing because of jargon, but in practice it might look like this:
Susan: I’m angry because you won’t put your phone down long enough for us to eat dinner together.
John: I hear you saying that you are angry because I am looking at my phone when we eat.
Susan: Exactly. And, I wish you would stop it.
Susan is the Sender. Her message is an expression of anger over her husband’s phone usage during dinner. John is the receiver. He confirmed that he received her message. Susan was able to validate he heard what she said correctly, and then she proceeded to her next statement.
This can feel tedious or unnecessary to talk this way with your partner. But, it’s quite helpful if you want to improve your relationship. Also, it does not need to happen with every sentence the couple utters – just important messages about how we feel and what we want/need.
What John did in this example is called Reflective Listening. It’s a style of communication in which each person reflects back what they hear their partner saying. The reason it’s helpful is because it keeps communication accurate and helps our partner feel heard. Inaccurate messaging or feeling ignored lead to breakdowns in communication, and frequently serve to hold progress back. If John had not engaged in Reflective Listening the interaction might have gone this way:
Susan: I’m angry because you won’t put your phone down long enough for us to eat dinner together.
John: You always complain about my dinner habits. It’s exhausting. Stop acting like my mother.
Susan: Stop acting like a child then.
Quickly this interaction can spiral as each partner vents feelings, rather than expressing what they feel and what they want/need. They are on different tracks completely – talking past one another. If John had simply reflected what he heard Susan tell him, the discussion could have legs and they might get somewhere helpful. Even if John incorrectly reflected what Susan stated, she would have a chance to clarify or restate, allowing for correction and a clear signal in the communication.
It only takes one to De-Tango
The good news about improving communication and disrupting old patterns is that it only takes one partner to stop dancing the usual Tango of the relationship.
Susan: I’m angry because you won’t put your phone down long enough for us to eat dinner together.
John: You always complain about my dinner habits. It’s exhausting. Stop acting like my mother.
Susan: I said I feel angry. I feel like you don’t care about me.
John: Of course I care about you. I love you. I just don’t know why reading the news is a big deal.
Susan: I don’t spend a lot of time with you during the day, so for me dinner time is something I look forward to - just to talk with each other for 20 min.
John: Ok. I’m sorry. I’m glad you look forward to dinner with me. Let’s talk.
Susan De-Tangoed with John. By going right back to how she feels, John actually received the message the second time. With an accurate communication now taking place, they were able to make some progress. Remember though, communication only offers the chance to make improvements. It doesn’t guarantee them.
Improving the relationship via enhanced communication is most likely to happen when couples reveal their inner worlds. Assuming that most couples genuinely love each other, when their inner feelings are revealed, partners legitimately want to help. Notice above that when Susan expressed that she doesn’t feel like John cares about her, his response was immediately one of concern. Instantly, the couple became more connected emotionally. Susan felt heard. John demonstrated caring. Then they began a new form of communication Tango in their relationship.
Practical Exercise for Couples
To improve your communication and increase intimacy, I recommend you schedule a regular evening (or other time that works consistently) when you and your partner can process your relationship together. Every 2-4 weeks set aside 45 minutes for non-distracted discussion related primarily to your connection to each other. Practice Reflective Listening and engaging in “I” statements. Listen, then paraphrase back to your partner what you hear them saying. Let them clarify or correct you, then do it again.
Practice talking about the underlying feelings you experience in the relationship. It is ultimately at this level of revelation that intimacy tends to enhance. Imagine being able to reveal an embarrassing truth to your partner, then being accepted and validated. That type of experience is powerful and brings us closer to our partner. It also increases our comfort level with sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves.
If you or someone you know would like help improving communication in a relationship - please visit Journey’s Bridge Counseling.